Tuesday, 31 December 2013

2013 I dont want you to end

I am seeing a lot about people saying good riddance to 2013 and hello to 2014, my Mum said 'tomorrow is a new year' People seem to be looking forward to seeing the back of 2013, maybe I am strange, maybe I am stupid but I don't want 2013 to end.

Yes its been a year of unbearable sorrow, sorrow I have never experienced before and hopefully never will again but its also a year of joy, unbelievable joy and happiness, and moments I never want to forget, although I get so worried as some of the memories do fade.

Easter Sunday finding out I was pregnant was and always will be one of the best days of my life, seeing the joy on Chris's face and my own, the excitement of telling both of our parents and family. Spending months planning as too what we would do, imagining how life would be, the indescribable joy of holding our beautiful baby even though my heart was breaking at the same time. The happiness I feel from finding joy again, thats a good feeling.

And the sadness, as mad as it seems I don't want to move on from that, the distress at my waters breaking, the 3 weeks of trauma, the sadness and heartbreaking labour and delivery, the funeral we planned for Lily, the times I have spent at the crem, the midwifes, doctors and nurses I met, cried with, think of and know I will one day see again.

I don't want to leave this year behind, 2013 will ALWAYS be the year Lily was born, and yes the year she died, but the year she was born, I feel that by looking forward to 2014 I am leaving her behind, I look forward to 2014, to achieving some goals but I want to take 2013 with me as well. It may seem mad and I don't expect others to understand but its how I feel.So while you all tonight are celebrating the new year I will be home, thinking of what a year 2013 was, and feeling sadness as I leave behind the year our daughter was born.

Much love xxx

Tuesday, 10 December 2013


Have u ever been robbed? 

Have u ever had something precious stolen from you? Something that can never be replaced? 

Victims of robbery report reactions of shock, anxiety, numbness, anger, disbelief, fear, depression, confusion,  helplessness, shame, denial, guilt and panic attacks.  

Many of you reading this will relate to the above, I know I do. Me and Chris were robbed, we were robbed of having our beautiful daughter here with us. I know I feel robbed, I feel that something was stolen from us, our chance of a happy life with our daughter, instead we are left with just the aftermath of feelings and a daughter who left us too soon.

I keep thinking of what our life should be like today, the 10th December 2013. We should be in chaos, our house should be a total mess with laundry, toys and clothes strewn around. We both should have dark circles round our eyes and moaning about lack of sleep. I should have sick in my hair and moaning about how no one understands what its like and how our baby is worse than anyone elses................

My lounge is tidy, my washing is done, I'm tired yes, but not from being up with a baby all night, I'm tired from not sleeping through grief. My hair is clean and although I do think no one understands, its not for the reasons it should be. 
I tried to write a blog the other day, over the weekend when it was 4 months since Lily died, then her due date the day after, I couldn't do it, I started but I couldn't be positive, my grief was too sharp, I try to keep my blogs honest, open, true, but not write them when I am too unhappy, I don't think that does any good at all. 
The weekend was hard, Friday at work was the hardest, I just couldn't settle. Most days at work I can put on my happy face, I can pretend I am ok, I can laugh and joke even though I am dying inside. I can put on the big brave face and pretend everything is ok. Friday I couldn't do that. It was impossible.
On Saturday me and Chris went to the crem with a posy very similar to the one we had at the funeral, we took a much loved friend. I found no piece there Saturday, and that hurt, usually I feel a sense of calm wash over me and calm me, Saturday it just hurt. We then went and bought our tree, we came home and both felt so odd we went to sleep for an hour as we didn't know what to do with ourselves.

In the evening we decorated the tree, we put the lights on and then I put Lily's decorations on the tree, to be honest then I lost interest. I promised myself I would make an effort with Christmas, even though all I want is for it to go away, it wont and I have to make the best off it, so I will. But it's hard. 

Sunday we went to the In Laws for lunch with Chris's Brother, wife and my gorgeous nephew Jasper. I love him so much, hes nearly 2 and adorable, I look at him and wonder whether Lily would have inherited the Rowland eyes and hair, I hope so.

So we move on, towards my Mother In Laws birthday, Chris's birthday and Christmas, with all of our families feeling the loss very acutely. The Aunties and Uncles, Granny, Grumps, Nanny and Grandad wondering and wishing what if

I send my love to all the mothers and fathers across the world struggling at this time of year, I think of you all, your angels and pray you find some peace.

Much Love 

Saturday, 30 November 2013

Positive but still grieving

So I have thought a lot about what my next blog would be about, its been a few weeks since my last blog and everything has changed since then, I have started work again and have gone through a thousand emotions and feel like a whirlwind has happened.

I had a blog all written to go but have decided to write a different one. 

I have started work again, a task that seemed so enormous and frightening I didn't sleep from the moment I got the job to the end of the first week. Going to work that first day was the most enormous thing I think I have ever undertaken. But thankfully I love it, it was definitely the right job at the right time. That's not to say its not horrendous at times but it feels right. 

I could write for ages about my new job and how I love it and stuff but instead I want to write about grief, before Lily died I had no experience of grief, true 3 of my grandparents had died but although I was sad I never had the gut wrenching, stomach churning, take over your life grief. 

Grief if you have never experienced it is impossible to explain. When Lily first died the grief was overwhelming, it consumed my every waking moment and even my sleep. On Fri it will be 4 months since Lily died and Sat is her due date and I am not sure its any easier now. True there are periods where the grief is like a undercurrent, more like an ache that's always there, that's ok, I have learnt to live with a broken heart, a piece of my soul missing. Its the intensity with which grief hits, I can be at work, or in town, or driving or doing any number of things, and without warning BAM!!!!! Its like being shot, having your heart ripped out, it makes you want to fall to your knees and die. It happens at stupid times, at work, I have had to go to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall and bite my hand to stop from screaming in pain, often I am driving and it hits and I will physically scream in pain, today in town I am in Boots with tears falling.

The other day I was driving to work and BAM, it hits, suddenly I am back in the hospital on the 15th July being told my waters had broke, hearing that strange animal noise and wondering what is was and realising it was coming from me, I was screaming in a animalistic way. In a second I feel all of those feelings again, its like being stabbed in the chest, feeling that pain. Or suddenly in a blink of an eye I'm back to the day I was in labour, feeling all those feelings again, its like I'm floating on the ceiling watching myself give birth to my daughter all over again and its a intense physical pain in my heart as I realise she has gone to heaven. 

The intensity of my grief at times can make my physically sick, it can hit in a 1 second window and then go again, its unpredictable, its messy, its hard, and its never gonna go away, and I don't want it too, that pain, that hurt, its all I have of our baby. 

I miss our baby, my heart is broke, my life is incomplete, I look at Chris and wonder what are daughter would have been like, would she have been like her Dad, I hope so. 

I am proud of myself, somehow, I don't quite know how I am living again, I am working and enjoying it, I am making friends. I am moving not on but forward. Lily will always be a part of me, as will the grief but I am surviving. I don't know how we carry on without her here but somehow we are doing it together.

Someone told me the other day about how this would make me a better person, to start off with I was so mad. A better person, I don't want to be better, I want my baby and would do anything to get her back. I would literally die if we could turn back the clock 5 months ago, if next Saturday on her due date she had come, I would DIE, I would give my life for her to live and Chris to have the joy of her, 

But I cant. She is gone, She was born, She did die, I am a Mother to An Angel, Chris is a Father to An Angel, we have to live our life's without her, and that kills me, it hurts so much, unless you have lost a child I don't believe you will understand the pain, but many people have gone through other types of pain and will understand pain.

Now I look at it and think, will it make me a better person, maybe, its made me more compassionate to others, its made me appreciate things and to forget the non important things, it will make me a better parent to any other children we have, its made me a better girlfriend, friend, daughter, daughter in law. So maybe she was right, it was just hard to hear because I don't want to be better, I just want my baby back and I have to live with not being able to have that. 

Went to the crem today with my beautiful friend Kate, her hubby and their beautiful 9 week old baby. Lily's plaque is finally up, the joy I feel at this plaque is the joy you feel when your child walks or talks, when they do well at school, when they tell you they love you. All I have is her memory left and anything that honours her makes my heart flow with love.

So I am doing well, I am living, I am grieving, I am loving our daughter, I will always love her and always keep her memory alive.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

New Job, New beginnings, frightening times

As my due date approaches fast I seem to be finding things are getting harder again, not that the grief went away but more like my heart had got used to being broke.

My due date was 7th Dec, to any non grieving mums a due date isn't really important as the chance of your baby being born on that day is slim to none, to a grieving mother the due date can seem like the biggest hurdle, its the symbol of what was meant to be that will never be. For those of you who are my friends on facebook you will have seen I have a new job. It starts Monday and I'm petrified. Over the last 4 months I have been in a 'safe place', basically my house, I managed to isolate myself completely from the world in order to grieve in my own time. Over time, and bearing in mind its now over 4 months since my waters went I have ventured to friends houses and stepped out of my 'safe place' I found out last Friday I had got the job I went for, working for Wessex Water in Yeovil as an admin person. Since then I have hardly slept, am having panic attacks and constantly have a sick feeling in my stomach, add in my due date is 3 weeks away Saturday and let me tell you, life feels very hard right now!

I decided I didn't want to return to my old job, my life is drastically altered and I am no longer the same person I was, I felt that something needs to change. So in order to be fair to my boss and to give me the time I needed to grieve I handed in my notice. Around 3 weeks ago I started to look for work and my interview on Friday was the first interview and I got the job, I actually have a great track record as I have only once been for an interview and not been offered the position.

The thought of working again after 4 months makes me feel sick its long hours, a step down career wise and travel on top. I will be leaving at 6.45am and getting home around 6pm. After being in my 'safe place' for all this time its really scary. I will be asked the dreaded question all angel mummies dread 'Do you have children' Its so hard to answer, if I say no I feel immediately guilty as though I am ashamed of Lily, Which I am most definitely not, but if I say 'Yes I had a daughter she was still born' it creates a very awkward moment. Ahhh the joys the joys.

I have spent this week getting myself ready to go back to work, Mon I went and did all my little odd jobs I have been meaning to do, Tuesday I went to job centre and signed off (Hurrah!) and cooked a load of meals and froze them, yesterday I cleaned my house, today I visited a friend and tomorrow I have counselling. But I feel so sick all the time, my stomach is in knots, I am tired and down, I think about Lily ALL the time, I have no motivation.

I feel guilty for saying it, but I want this year over, I want to have settled in at work, December to be over with as its Lily's due date, Chris's birthday, Christmas etc etc, all times we should have had our beautiful daughter present for and I just want them over. Then I feel guilty as I don't want it to be 2014, 2013 was the year our baby was born in, I don't want to move forward. My head is now big ball of messed up crap at the mo.

I feel like I have lost myself over the last four months, I have no idea who I am anymore, I have lost all my confidence, all my drive, I just dont know who I am anymore, I am a Mum but don't feel it, I have lost all sense of who I was and have no idea how to rebuild myself. I have just been hiding away and now I am having to face the task of trying to find a new way forward in life.

Anyway todays post isn't as positive as usual, but if your a angel mummy with any ideas or support as to what will get me through please let me know. I need some help right now!

Love and hugs xxx

Friday, 8 November 2013

Where I am today

So where am I Today?

It was 3 months since Lily died on the 6th November. 

I have had people ask me 'When are you going to be back to normal' I will never be the same Kate ever again, the Kate who existed before 15th July when my waters broke is gone, gone for ever. I can never be the same person again and I don't want too. That Kate didn't know the things this Kate does. There are lots of bad things the new Kate knows, but lots of good. I know what its like to love someone with all your heart and soul, to hold my baby in my arms. 

Losing Lily has bought on so much bad stuff, but also so much good stuff.
Through social media I have made so many friends who like me have lost babies, Missy the first person to reach out to me, Lindsay, Rose, Tiffany, Amanda, Crystal, Kyrina, Nicole, Angela (whose gorgeous daughter survived pprom) Sheldon, Jennifer, Barbara, Lucy, Veronica and Brooke. Men and woman who share my pain. I met a wonderful woman called Zara who has given me hope for the future, a beautiful soul who lost her baby but then went on to have her rainbow recently. 
I am more compassionate, I feel more, I have been made to think and feel the worst pain but it has made me more compassionate. I have found out who my true friends are, from reconnecting with an old friend in February to her being there for me through all this, to my best friend who phoned me even when she knew I wouldn't answer the phone. I never thought I could love Chris more but somehow I now do, its bought our families closer together, its made me appreciate my family and friends children more. Its bought me closer to Chris's cousin. 

Its made me a better person, that's not to say that's its not the hardest thing I have ever been through and that the pain isn't all consuming but today I can be grateful for things as well. 

Every day isn't like this, some days even getting out of bed feels like a mountain I don't want to climb, but I do, if the only thing I do everyday is get up, I do that. I have learnt to appreciate things more, I have learnt grief is horrendous, I have never really experienced grief until Lily, its taught me how to empathise with people suffering from grief.

I want to thank everybody for reading my blog, over 550 views!!!! If the only thing that comes out of this is I bring the awful subject of losing your child to one persons mind then I am satisfied. Too often we don't talk about things that people find uncomfortable and hard, like depression, loss, grief and especially child loss. Why would you want to think or talk about it, its a horrid subject to think of, if you have children or not, but I believe that in order to break the stigma around child loss and grief it must be spoke about and addressed. That I am truly passionate about. 

What does the future hold?

Honestly I don't know, Lots more awful and horrendous days, but lots of joyous days. Lots of love. Chris is in my future, we are determined to fight to stay together, we were told 75% of couples will split after losing a baby, we wont, we are determined! Lily wot be the end of our story, hopefully the beginning. After 3 months we finally had post mortem results and bloods and lots of other test results, we had been told to expect them to find nothing wrong with Lily and they didn't. There was no reason why my waters broke. That's hard to comprehend sometimes, no reason, no answers. It does mean should we ever think of trying again it shouldn't happen again, shouldn't but then no guarantees, the chance of it happening were only 5%, but we were the 5%. They did dig up some unexpected results for me and now I have to move forward with those results and investigate more.
If we ever decide to have another baby it will never replace Lily, she will always be our first born, our beautiful daughter and having another child will never change that. Who knows what the future holds, I do know that I am sad that I will never have a happy pregnancy, even if I do get pregnant again we have been told it will be emotionally awful. We will worry and fret and even if medically all is ok, emotionally and mentally it will be the hardest thing we ever do. I am sad that I wont ever enjoy pregnancy. So for all you pregnant ladies, I know its hard and knackering, but take joy in the fact.

Today is a good day, that what I'm focusing on, today I can look at photos of my angel and feel love, tears yes, but they will always be there, forever but today I feel love for our beautiful angel in the sky and all she has bought me.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

A Labour of Love

Since my last post I have been thinking a lot, and talking to different people a lot. Some people do not understand my need to blog, they maybe feel that I should keep my feelings quiet and not talk about them, that maybe its not helping my healing. I disagree with this, regardless of if I blog or not, I'm thinking these feelings, they are inside my heart and head and I feel that by letting these feelings out it helps my healing. But everyone is different some people would prefer to grieve in private but everyone is different. I gave birth to Lily, she was growing in my body for nearly 6 months. The other reason I want to blog is there is a huge proportion of people that would prefer that grieving mothers kept quiet, that we brush our feelings and our child under the carpet, I completely disagree with this, Lily was real, she was a person, she was born, she was and is my baby and will forever be. For me to blog is too keep her alive, for me, for my family and friends. My one piece of advice, don't not talk about our daughter, to me its unforgivably rude. You wont upset me, you wont remind me. I think of her 24 hours a day in the back of my mind and my heart is broke. Talk of her, keep her memory alive, that's all I have left.

Please be aware that some of you may find this distressing.

On Tuesday 6th August 2013 we were given the news at approx 9am that Lily had moved down and labour was imminent. It was a surreal moment, for 3 weeks we had battled to keep this from happening and now some doctor was telling me this was it. We were told Lily would be born that day, that at 22 weeks 3 days she was too early and they would not intervene. We were told it would be quick. 

Total shock, we phoned my parents, well tried to, phone signal in hospital was awful, Mums phone was turned off, it was a nightmare. My Mum was on standby and had been for 3 weeks, she had promised to be there for me if labour came, to be a support for Chris as well. Finally Chris got hold of my Dad and told them to hurry, the way it had been put to us, it was going to happen soon, I panicked they wouldn't make it. Chris phoned his Mum, she was at work and promised to come asap. The midwifes came in and tried to explain what was going to happen, they had told us for the previous 3 weeks that it would be quick and painless, (it wasnt either but I suppose they couldn't tell me the true horror I would face) that they could give me enough drugs for me to not remember, at first I was sure this is what I would have done, finally on the day I realised I didn't want to be completely out of it, I wanted to remember every second of my daughters birth and death. I started to lose it, as previously stated in previous blogs my mental state was precarious and I was starting to unravel. They gave me small a small dose of drugs to calm me down. 

The day is a bit of a blur, Chris's Mum came down, my parents turned up and we waited, and waited and waited. I didn't know at the time but both my Dad and Chris's Mum went and asked them to help me, to do SOMETHING, but they wouldn't, they kept saying it would be soon, throughout the day as the drugs wore off I became very distressed and would be prescribed some more drugs to calm me down. 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 6pm time just went on. At 8pm the midwifes changed, my midwife Naomi came on shift, she came and talked to us and said that at 9pm when the new doctor came on shift they would come and see me, finally. 
At around 9.15pm the new doctor came into see me. She examined me and explained that Lily was breech, her body had passed through but her head was stuck, she explained that she might be able to dislodge the head and deliver the baby. I was given gas and air, at this point only my mum and Chris were in the room. The doctor then tried to deliver Lily, I have never felt pain like it. It seemed to go on for hours but was probably only 10 minutes. Finally the doctor explained that she was unable to deliver the head. The decision was made to put in a drip to start my contractions. Fast forward an hour and my contractions started. Finally at 10.24pm Lily was delivered sleeping. I thought it was all over but then Naomi explained that I would need to deliver the placenta. Another 20 mins or so and it was all over. 

At the time I didn't know but when the doctor examined me she was able to deliver the body fully and at that point Lily was still alive, because of the time lapse between this and finally delivering the head Lily had passed away. I have a lot of regret that Lily was breech, if she had been head down she may have been born breathing, I may have been able to hold my darling baby while she was alive and she would have passed in my arms. The what ifs are huge and so distressing.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was terrified of labour, because of previous medical issues I was sure I would have to have a c section. I was prepared to fight for it, I never thought I would have been able to cope with labour. I now know that my medical complications would not have meant a c section, they would have tried a normal delivery. For those women like me who are scared of labour, who think they wont be able to do it, you can, you will. My perspective has changed immensely, as long as you end up with a crying healthy baby, labour for me would be a breeze. Going through labour knowing your baby will die is awful, I cant explain how awful. You will never understand how bad it actually was, not just for me but for Chris and my Mum, to watch me go through that. To try and push on no contractions as I just wanted it over. 

I didn't cry when Lily was born, I was too shocked, too overwhelmed and too out of it. I regret that! I held our daughter in my arms, she was tiny, so small but fully formed, she had tiny hands with gorgeous fingers. Tiny feet, hair starting to grow that was dark like her Dads. Its a bit of a blur the next bits, Chris text his Mum who came back to the hospital, Naomi weighed Lily, she was 350 grams. She took Lily away and took some photos for us, I wish I had had the strength for her to take the photos in the room, I wish I had thought for her to take a picture of me and Chris with Lily, we have photos but none of us as a family. Regret, every mother feels it, the grieving mother more so.

So I'm now off to the crem, its been a few weeks since I have been to visit Lily, I feel that today I want to go and feel close to my baby. I will take a picture of her resting place for this blog, to show you where my babies resting place is. 

So just back from the crem, very saddened to see two new babies have joined Lily, these are the first since Lily passed. I find going to the crem very hard but I find a sense of peace, this is where I can mourn my daughter, she isn't there but its a place to grieve. 


I find it really hard to accept that the place I go to feel close to my daughter is a crem, lots of you can just go into another room and find your loved one and pick them up to cuddle. I cant do that, i cant hold my baby anymore. That's hard, but its a beautiful place at the crem, theres a special baby garden for all the babies born too soon and its very peaceful. 

There is a lot of tragedy in Lilys pregnancy, birth and death, so much so that many of you will never understand but now nearly 3 months on I can see the beauty. Lily made me a mother, I don't actually feel like one but I try to tell myself every day that I am. Lily was beautiful, maybe not to you, but to me and Chris and our families she was our beautiful baby girl. So perfect, so v perfect and so precious. She has formed a bond between me and Chris that no one and nothing can ever break, even if we ever split up (we hope we wont but who knows what the future holds) she will always be our first born. 

Every time I go to the crem I am now able to look around, to see other babies memorials to mourn them as well as my own child. Lily's cousins rest there too and I always now go and see them, lovely Evie and Martha and think of them up there playing with Lily. I think of their Mum and Dad and send them my love. I clear some of the leaves from other memorials, I think of all the other parents like us, I think of all of my new friends who have babies in heaven. I pray one day to find a certain sort of peace, I pray for Lily, that she will always be proud of me, and I pray for the day I will see her again, and get to hold her in my arms.

RIP beautiful angel, know that Mummy & Daddy love and miss you everyday. 


Thursday, 31 October 2013

Trying to release some of the pain

I have a lot of pain, anguish and trauma over the events leading to Lily’s birth, it’s all jumbled up in my mind and heart, part of my healing is to speak about it, to not be ashamed of the events and to try and release the guilt I feel. Just be aware that some of the details may be hard to read, living through them was so much worse and having to think of it every night when I go to sleep for what I imagine will be every night of my life is so much worse, but just a warning for you.

So go back to mid-July, we were having that heat wave, that glorious weather you all loved, at 19 weeks pregnant, working in a shop office with no cooling system and sweating like mad while listening to staff member whinging bout being hot I was just getting on with it. I found the heat horrendous but just got on with it, went to work, sweated for 8 1/2 hours a day, went home knackered and went to bed.

Fast forward to Monday 15th July, I worked all day, felt crappy, didn’t really talk to my much loved colleague and friend all day as was just trying to plod on. Got home around 5.45pm, same time as usual and Chris was having a nap, went up to see him, lay on the bed for a bit then came downstairs. As I walked into lounge felt a very strange feeling and felt liquid in my knickers, went up to the toilet and there was a wet patch, thought 'O that’s strange it’s definitely not wee but o well' Went downstairs and it happened again, again I went to bathroom quite bemused but was like a bit confused. The third time it happened I was aware something was wrong so rang Fern ward at the hospital (pregnancy ward bit) I had been there on 4 different occasions for bleeding so knew them quite well. They suggested coming in and they would check me over. I went to wake up Chris and as I was standing in the bed room the liquid started flowing down my legs, still stupid as it sounds I didn’t click this was my waters, well why would I, I didn’t think your waters could go at 19 weeks 2 days. Chris was grumpy as I had woke him up but off we went, neither of us particularly worried, both tired and fed up.

We got to Fern, they had asked me to put a pad on and they took it from me, put me in a cubicle and said they would check on me in a bit. Around 45 minutes later a doctor and midwife came in, I should have clicked then, you don’t see a Doctor unless they are worried, since then I have been told that they had guessed my waters had gone. I had an internal, once the doctor finished she asked if I wanted to get dressed first, I said no, I still wasn’t concerned. She then broke the news that my waters had gone. I remember hearing a wailing sound and wondering what it was................... It was me. I knew it was too early for this to be happening. At that moment for a brief second I knew I was going to lose our baby, I don’t think Chris realised at that point, that it was all over.

The doctor talked us through what was going to happen, they said that I would lose the baby, my body would go into labour and our beautiful baby would be born. They explained it was too early to do anything and the baby wouldn’t survive.

Shock, complete shock. They did a ultrasound, baby was still alive, a bitter sweet moment, one I would be faced with all too often in the next 3 weeks 1 day. We were moved to the delivery suite, Musgrove hospital have a special set of rooms for woman like me, it’s called the Rowan Suite. It’s a delivery room with a bathroom and lounge next door. Since seeing delivery rooms since it’s a non-clinical mush less harsh room, it’s also tucked away back with storage rooms. You are away from the noise and hub bub of the delivery suite, which is a blessing, hearing new babies being born is far too hard when you know your child will not live. We were settled in for the first night, I had phoned my mum and dad and they rushed from Dorset where they live, devastated as we were, they went and got clothes for us from home then drove home, they spent 4 hours in the car to spend maybe 1 hour with us. I don’t remember much from that night, only being in total shock, me and Chris barely sleeping and unable to understand what was going on. For the next 3 days I was in hospital, we were told there was no hope to start off with, that my body would go into labour within first 24 hours, then 48 hours. We passed those marks, they talked to us about the other things that could happen, Lily (at that point we didn’t know she was a girl) would die in my womb and they would induce me, I would get an infection and they would induce me as my life would be at risk, labour would just start. None of this happened. Gradually they started to be a bit more positive as the days wore on, at one point they talked about moving me to the antenatal ward, I refused, for 3 days they told me my baby would die and then they wanted to put me on a ward with pregnant mothers!!!! No not happening. It didn’t happen, I stayed where I was. Around 3 times a day they would listen to the babes heartbeat, that 30 seconds that seemed like a lifetime until they found the heartbeat, the joy at hearing it, the shock at our baby still being alive. Chris parents were on holiday when my waters broke, we waited until they got home 2 days later and phoned, they immediately came down, shock and despair on their faces, worry, hurt and total disbelief.

Eventually the hospital decided to send me home, they said there was no more they could do, either I would go into labour or I wouldn't. All they were doing there was monitoring my temp, blood pressure etc. I was told I would need to see the consultant regularly and have bloods taken twice a week to check for infection but that they still expected our baby to die. We came home, still shocked, still in a complete daze. We sat at home, all this time my waters were continually leaking, I would be sat there and feel them dripping from me, those magic waters designed to protect my baby leaving my body. It was heart breaking. 2 days later we went to hospital for bloods and a heartbeat check. 2 days after that had a consultant appointment and our 20 week scan. We were still told that the likelihood of success was 1%, they offered us a termination, we refused. At the 20 week scan they told us they thought our baby was a girl, without water the scans are very difficult to see and they couldn’t check for everything like they normally do. We were told if our baby did survive and make it too full term she could be born and never take a breath, 20-23 weeks is when the major lung development happens and my waters going could affect that massively. We were told she could be brain damaged, never breath unaided, never walk etc.

We went home and carried on for a few more days, fast forward to my sister coming up to visit and I had a bleed, cue major panic and rush to hospital, emergency scan, emergency bloods and sent home again. More days sitting at home, I couldn’t go anywhere, only time we left the house was to go to hospital. Sitting on my sofa feeling my precious waters draining from me. Every day we heard Lily's heartbeat, either at the hospital or my midwife came to our house, every day I heard our baby’s heart, fast and strong, she was hanging on, we started to build hope.

Fast forward a few more days, sleep at night was an impossibility, one early wed morning I was lying awake when I felt a huge gush, thought, 'god that’s a lot of water to lose' went to bathroom and there was so much thick, red blood, me screaming at Chris, him coming in bathroom and going white, I phoned the hospital, told them I thought I was going into labour, they told us to phone ambulance, wouldn’t let Chris drive me in, they were too worried in case something happened again. Sat in ambulance knowing this is it in losing my baby. Seen at hospital, put in labour ward, normal delivery room right next to the midwife station, I was a priority. Phoned our parents, my mum and dad travelled down again, Chris parents came in again. The consultant came round, I said I was having pains, we thought it was labour, this was it. Moved to Rowan suite, the day dragged on, no more bleeds. Told we were being kept in again. That evening just as I was relaxing 2 more massive bleeds, no sleep more heartache. Kept in hospital for few more days. Told the pains were irritable uterus, the blood was annoying my uterus causing it to contract. Check babies heart beat still strong, keep going, keep going. Start to build up hope again.

Get sent home again, back to weekly growth scans, twice weekly bloods, daily heartbeat checks, more time passing, hope being raised. Saw the consultant again, next visit we will see the paediatricians, to talk about if we get to 24 weeks what happens then. Before 24 week is not considered viable, if baby born it can’t survive (apparently) if we get there and I go into labour they will try and help Lily survive but it’s a long road. Making plans to try and get me to 34 weeks gestation.

One Sunday morning we wake up and go to Fern for bloods and heartbeat check, I don’t feel right, over the last 3 weeks I have tried to be so strong, not cry, not get to distraught but today I feel weak. We get there and I am immediately upset as usual, every time we go for bloods I worry they won’t find her heartbeat, that my bloods will show an infection etc. etc. They try to find her heartbeat, they can’t find it................I panic, get majorly upset. The midwife says she will get doctor to scan me and see as I am so upset. Doctor scans me, they find the heartbeat, I’m so upset, so tired, so worn out. No sleep in 3 weeks, emotionally done in. Scared for me, our baby and Chris. We go home, we watch TV and relax, I feel rubbish but Chris is with me, he hasn’t left my side since my waters went.

At around 9.30pm we go to go upstairs to bed, there’s blood, I ring Fern ward, we are told to go in, we get there, we are waiting, more blood, a lot more blood. We get transferred back to Rowan, another night in hospital. I am hysterical, so done in, I can’t take anymore. Next day things seem to have settled, Chris goes to work for a few hours as it’s been 3 weeks with neither of us working, if this pregnancy is going to continue he has to go to work, I can’t, I won’t be so he has too. He comes to hospital later after work, we make a plan, tomorrow we have consultants appointment, growth scan and to see the docs, I will stay in overnight, he will go home and then tomorrow after appointment I will go home and carry on at home. Amazing midwife gives me sum diamorphine to help me sleep as they can see 3 weeks no sleep is killing me.

I wake up after sleeping 5 hours straight, that’s the most in weeks! Chris come in, I have breakfast, we go off to antenatal and see Miss Robson, I lay on the couch, she starts scanning me, asks when my last internal was, we say ages ago as they try not to examine you cause of risk of infection. She breaks the news Lily has started to move down, in fact she is breech and her body has already passed into my vaginal canal, all she can see is her head. This was it we were told, labour was imminent. 3 weeks 1 day, our baby was today 22 weeks 3 days and this was it. They wouldn’t do anything, she was too young. Our baby was going to be born today and was going to die.

I can’t write anymore, this blog is way longer than I anticipated and that’s enough for today, that day, the horror and trauma of going through labour, of holding our daughter, of pushing my baby out into the world when I didn’t want to, that can wait for another day.

Besides I have to get ready for a funeral, I’m going today to honour a friends fantastic grandma, to stand with my friend and her family and celebrate her grandmas life. To provide her support as she has supported me. If it wasn’t her I would not be going to a funeral so soon, the last funeral was my daughters, my baby girls but I want to pay my respects to a wonderful woman. So I’m signing off to get changed and go to Weston to pay my respects to that beautiful soul who I believe is looking after my baby in heaven.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Lily Marie Rowland

So I decided to start writing a blog again, I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to get out, im learning that part of my therapy is to learn to talk bout these thoughts and feelings. This blog is for me, its for me to write down about how im feeling, how having my beautiful baby in my stomach for 159 days has changed my life completely! The awful tragedy that me Chris had to endure and the hellish three weeks we endured, how the midwifes were so bloody amazing and how I have had to learn to try and live again when all I wanted to do was lie down and die with my amazing daughter. Im writing this blog for her, our amazing daughter Lily Marie Rowland who was born far too early at 22 weeks, 3 days.

I need to process my thoughts and feelings and speak out about the silence that surrounds pregnancy loss. Its not all negative but obviously there is so much tragedy surrounding Lily's  birth and death that it may seem like that but theres also so much beauty. Lily made me and Chris parents, she is our first born and she was a gorgeous tiny baby girl who we made, any of you parents will understand the wonder of seeing that perfect baby thats a part of you and a part of your partner. The fact that you created this perfect little being.

On 31st March 2013, Easter Sunday we found out the amazing news we were going to be parents, after over a year of trying we had that amazing positive pregnancy test results and its a day I will remember for the rest of my life until the day I die, the joy of knowing we were gonna have our much wanted, already loved baby.

7 pregnancy tests in 2 days and I finally believed we were having a baby. telling my Mum and Dad they were going to be grandparents again was the best moment, my Mum, who usually shows little emotion to me cried. Telling Chris's parents there were going to have another grandchild in person again was such a special moment, a moment of immense joy.

I never found pregnancy easy, from 5 - 14 weeks I suffered horrendous morning sickness, in fact all day sickness, I was tired felt like a pile of poo all the time and it wasn't much fun. Today I would take feeling like that for every single day for the rest of my life if it bought our daughter back, but I can't, no matter what I do I cant bring my baby back and I hate that, it hurts, its like a knife cutting through my chest. Everyone told me that when I got to my second trimester it would get better, I would glow it would be fantastic, it didnt happen, I wonder what my third trimester would have been like, would I have found that part easier? All I know is I wish I hadn't moaned so much, wish I had savoured every single day cause I would give anything to get it back now.

I cant write anymore today, the tears are streaming and I am just finding it too hard. After two good days, im having a bad day, 9.52am and the tears have been going since 7.45am. Thats the horrid thing about grief, the unpredictability of it. I wish people could understand, the pain im going through, I dont want you to suffer it but I want understanding. But then until you have lost a child, you will never understand, I know that before we lost Lily I would never have understood, I would have heard the news and gone 'o thats terrible' and thought about the person for a few minutes, but never really understood, I dont see how you can, until you have had to be in that room, go through labour and delivery knowing your baby possibly wont be born alive, but even if she is wont survive, you will never get it, EVER.

I know two people who have lost babies in the second trimester, (this is when my loss happened) I can remember thinking when I heard, 'Ahh thats sad' and you think no more of it, the reason I think we do this, is because we dont want to think about this, its horrendous to think about, it hurts, I wasnt even a mother when I heard about these, one happened when I was in my late teens and one happened before I knew this person but the thought of it is too horrific to think about. So for all of you, parents or not take 5 minutes to try and think about it. Losing your beautiful baby that was so wanted and how devasting it is.

I am a changed person, I will never be tha same person, I will never be the Kate I was before 15th July, (when my water broke) I cant be, I went through something so huge it has changed me forever, I am a mother but my daughter doesnt live here, I wont get to see my baby again until the day I die and that hurts! 


I will find a way to survive, I will honour my baby every day of my life, I will learn to love life again, I will count my blessings every day, I will look at Chris and thank him silently for making me a mother to an angel, I will think of my daughter and wait for the day I see her again, the day im reunited with my first born daughter, and I wait, not wishing my life away but longing for the day I can see my baby again. 

Lily Marie Rowland
Born 6th August 2013
Weight 350 grams
Height 15 cm