Friday, 15 July 2016

And somehow time goes on

I am angry today, angry, sad, devastated, lost and angry. And most people won't understand why.

Today marks 3 years since my waters broke, a date no one but me will probably remember but one that changed my life inexplicably. 3 years ago today I got up and went to work, 19 weeks pregnant and annoyed with the heat, I worked feeling like crap, was quiet and didn't really talk to my wonderful work colleague Megan. Finally 5.30pm came and I finished work, I came home and Chris was already home asleep on the bed, I went and spoke to him then came downstairs. I got to the lounge and felt something in my knickers, I thought I had wet myself, I went to the bathroom and assumed I had wet myself, came downstairs and it happend again. I went upstairs and then it started running down my legs, I had no idea at the time but that was the end of my innocence.

We went to Fern ward and from then on hell began, I will never forget the doctor telling me my waters had gone, and me and Chris not understanding then finally them explaining our baby was going to die (at this point she had no name and we didn't even know it was a girl)  I heard a horrible noise and finally realised it was me making that noise, 22 days of absolute hell followed, and then our baby girl was born, dead but still born.

And now we are 3 years on, we have our son Alex who is nearly 2, but it doesn't make it any easier, and i'm angry today, and lost, and hurt and still angry. I have no innocence over pregnancy or grief anymore, I have felt that all consuming heartache of giving birth to my dead baby (perfectly formed, perfect in every way but very very very small) I want to be the woman who doesn't know what I know, that doesn't feel the way I do, and yes I properly would be a very different parent. I doubt I would have used a sling (too hippy like) I doubt I would parent the way I do and I certainly wouldn't run a sling library, and yes most days I love my life I love my son and the way we parent, but today I am sad, today I want to be the mum who knows none of it.

I am angry as Chris doesn't understand, he doesn't feel the way I do and he doesn't understand why I am maybe taking it out on him and Alex, I am angry as I see pictures of almost 3 year olds as I want MY daughter here, with me. I shouldn't be planning a day at Great Wood on her birthday with friends and family to help me get through it. I shouldn't be worrying over the next 22 days and how I have to relive every memory, every big bleed, every readmission, the night we got rushed in to hospital in a ambulance, the scans, being told she would die, then being told she may live, the constant dripping of my waters, the hell and heartache. I shouldn't have to be remembering every single second.................but I am. And I am angry. I want to be innocent, I want not to know but I do and I am hurting so very much today. 

So I am sorry if over the next few weeks I have a shorter temper, if I am distant or not myself, if I snap at Alex, or Chris or you. I am hurting, and lost. Most days I try so hard to work through it and not let it eat me up or control my life, and I love my life but today, this time of year, it's hard, so very hard.

So today sweet beautiful girl, I remember you, and I may never have felt you move, or got to look into your eyes, but you were our beautiful girl, our firstborn, our precious treasured Lily, and I am sorry for letting you down, I am sorry for my body not being strong enough to keep you safe, and I am sorry for not being strong for you today.

Till we meet again in heaven Lily, forever yours, forever loved.

Love Mum x