Since my last post I have been thinking a lot, and talking to different people a lot. Some people do not understand my need to blog, they maybe feel that I should keep my feelings quiet and not talk about them, that maybe its not helping my healing. I disagree with this, regardless of if I blog or not, I'm thinking these feelings, they are inside my heart and head and I feel that by letting these feelings out it helps my healing. But everyone is different some people would prefer to grieve in private but everyone is different. I gave birth to Lily, she was growing in my body for nearly 6 months. The other reason I want to blog is there is a huge proportion of people that would prefer that grieving mothers kept quiet, that we brush our feelings and our child under the carpet, I completely disagree with this, Lily was real, she was a person, she was born, she was and is my baby and will forever be. For me to blog is too keep her alive, for me, for my family and friends. My one piece of advice, don't not talk about our daughter, to me its unforgivably rude. You wont upset me, you wont remind me. I think of her 24 hours a day in the back of my mind and my heart is broke. Talk of her, keep her memory alive, that's all I have left.
Please be aware that some of you may find this distressing.
On Tuesday 6th August 2013 we were given the news at approx 9am that Lily had moved down and labour was imminent. It was a surreal moment, for 3 weeks we had battled to keep this from happening and now some doctor was telling me this was it. We were told Lily would be born that day, that at 22 weeks 3 days she was too early and they would not intervene. We were told it would be quick.
Total shock, we phoned my parents, well tried to, phone signal in hospital was awful, Mums phone was turned off, it was a nightmare. My Mum was on standby and had been for 3 weeks, she had promised to be there for me if labour came, to be a support for Chris as well. Finally Chris got hold of my Dad and told them to hurry, the way it had been put to us, it was going to happen soon, I panicked they wouldn't make it. Chris phoned his Mum, she was at work and promised to come asap. The midwifes came in and tried to explain what was going to happen, they had told us for the previous 3 weeks that it would be quick and painless, (it wasnt either but I suppose they couldn't tell me the true horror I would face) that they could give me enough drugs for me to not remember, at first I was sure this is what I would have done, finally on the day I realised I didn't want to be completely out of it, I wanted to remember every second of my daughters birth and death. I started to lose it, as previously stated in previous blogs my mental state was precarious and I was starting to unravel. They gave me small a small dose of drugs to calm me down.
The day is a bit of a blur, Chris's Mum came down, my parents turned up and we waited, and waited and waited. I didn't know at the time but both my Dad and Chris's Mum went and asked them to help me, to do SOMETHING, but they wouldn't, they kept saying it would be soon, throughout the day as the drugs wore off I became very distressed and would be prescribed some more drugs to calm me down. 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 6pm time just went on. At 8pm the midwifes changed, my midwife Naomi came on shift, she came and talked to us and said that at 9pm when the new doctor came on shift they would come and see me, finally.
At around 9.15pm the new doctor came into see me. She examined me and explained that Lily was breech, her body had passed through but her head was stuck, she explained that she might be able to dislodge the head and deliver the baby. I was given gas and air, at this point only my mum and Chris were in the room. The doctor then tried to deliver Lily, I have never felt pain like it. It seemed to go on for hours but was probably only 10 minutes. Finally the doctor explained that she was unable to deliver the head. The decision was made to put in a drip to start my contractions. Fast forward an hour and my contractions started. Finally at 10.24pm Lily was delivered sleeping. I thought it was all over but then Naomi explained that I would need to deliver the placenta. Another 20 mins or so and it was all over.
At the time I didn't know but when the doctor examined me she was able to deliver the body fully and at that point Lily was still alive, because of the time lapse between this and finally delivering the head Lily had passed away. I have a lot of regret that Lily was breech, if she had been head down she may have been born breathing, I may have been able to hold my darling baby while she was alive and she would have passed in my arms. The what ifs are huge and so distressing.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was terrified of labour, because of previous medical issues I was sure I would have to have a c section. I was prepared to fight for it, I never thought I would have been able to cope with labour. I now know that my medical complications would not have meant a c section, they would have tried a normal delivery. For those women like me who are scared of labour, who think they wont be able to do it, you can, you will. My perspective has changed immensely, as long as you end up with a crying healthy baby, labour for me would be a breeze. Going through labour knowing your baby will die is awful, I cant explain how awful. You will never understand how bad it actually was, not just for me but for Chris and my Mum, to watch me go through that. To try and push on no contractions as I just wanted it over.
I didn't cry when Lily was born, I was too shocked, too overwhelmed and too out of it. I regret that! I held our daughter in my arms, she was tiny, so small but fully formed, she had tiny hands with gorgeous fingers. Tiny feet, hair starting to grow that was dark like her Dads. Its a bit of a blur the next bits, Chris text his Mum who came back to the hospital, Naomi weighed Lily, she was 350 grams. She took Lily away and took some photos for us, I wish I had had the strength for her to take the photos in the room, I wish I had thought for her to take a picture of me and Chris with Lily, we have photos but none of us as a family. Regret, every mother feels it, the grieving mother more so.
So I'm now off to the crem, its been a few weeks since I have been to visit Lily, I feel that today I want to go and feel close to my baby. I will take a picture of her resting place for this blog, to show you where my babies resting place is.
So just back from the crem, very saddened to see two new babies have joined Lily, these are the first since Lily passed. I find going to the crem very hard but I find a sense of peace, this is where I can mourn my daughter, she isn't there but its a place to grieve.
I find it really hard to accept that the place I go to feel close to my daughter is a crem, lots of you can just go into another room and find your loved one and pick them up to cuddle. I cant do that, i cant hold my baby anymore. That's hard, but its a beautiful place at the crem, theres a special baby garden for all the babies born too soon and its very peaceful.
There is a lot of tragedy in Lilys pregnancy, birth and death, so much so that many of you will never understand but now nearly 3 months on I can see the beauty. Lily made me a mother, I don't actually feel like one but I try to tell myself every day that I am. Lily was beautiful, maybe not to you, but to me and Chris and our families she was our beautiful baby girl. So perfect, so v perfect and so precious. She has formed a bond between me and Chris that no one and nothing can ever break, even if we ever split up (we hope we wont but who knows what the future holds) she will always be our first born.
Every time I go to the crem I am now able to look around, to see other babies memorials to mourn them as well as my own child. Lily's cousins rest there too and I always now go and see them, lovely Evie and Martha and think of them up there playing with Lily. I think of their Mum and Dad and send them my love. I clear some of the leaves from other memorials, I think of all the other parents like us, I think of all of my new friends who have babies in heaven. I pray one day to find a certain sort of peace, I pray for Lily, that she will always be proud of me, and I pray for the day I will see her again, and get to hold her in my arms.
RIP beautiful angel, know that Mummy & Daddy love and miss you everyday.