Tuesday, 10 December 2013


Have u ever been robbed? 

Have u ever had something precious stolen from you? Something that can never be replaced? 

Victims of robbery report reactions of shock, anxiety, numbness, anger, disbelief, fear, depression, confusion,  helplessness, shame, denial, guilt and panic attacks.  

Many of you reading this will relate to the above, I know I do. Me and Chris were robbed, we were robbed of having our beautiful daughter here with us. I know I feel robbed, I feel that something was stolen from us, our chance of a happy life with our daughter, instead we are left with just the aftermath of feelings and a daughter who left us too soon.

I keep thinking of what our life should be like today, the 10th December 2013. We should be in chaos, our house should be a total mess with laundry, toys and clothes strewn around. We both should have dark circles round our eyes and moaning about lack of sleep. I should have sick in my hair and moaning about how no one understands what its like and how our baby is worse than anyone elses................

My lounge is tidy, my washing is done, I'm tired yes, but not from being up with a baby all night, I'm tired from not sleeping through grief. My hair is clean and although I do think no one understands, its not for the reasons it should be. 
I tried to write a blog the other day, over the weekend when it was 4 months since Lily died, then her due date the day after, I couldn't do it, I started but I couldn't be positive, my grief was too sharp, I try to keep my blogs honest, open, true, but not write them when I am too unhappy, I don't think that does any good at all. 
The weekend was hard, Friday at work was the hardest, I just couldn't settle. Most days at work I can put on my happy face, I can pretend I am ok, I can laugh and joke even though I am dying inside. I can put on the big brave face and pretend everything is ok. Friday I couldn't do that. It was impossible.
On Saturday me and Chris went to the crem with a posy very similar to the one we had at the funeral, we took a much loved friend. I found no piece there Saturday, and that hurt, usually I feel a sense of calm wash over me and calm me, Saturday it just hurt. We then went and bought our tree, we came home and both felt so odd we went to sleep for an hour as we didn't know what to do with ourselves.

In the evening we decorated the tree, we put the lights on and then I put Lily's decorations on the tree, to be honest then I lost interest. I promised myself I would make an effort with Christmas, even though all I want is for it to go away, it wont and I have to make the best off it, so I will. But it's hard. 

Sunday we went to the In Laws for lunch with Chris's Brother, wife and my gorgeous nephew Jasper. I love him so much, hes nearly 2 and adorable, I look at him and wonder whether Lily would have inherited the Rowland eyes and hair, I hope so.

So we move on, towards my Mother In Laws birthday, Chris's birthday and Christmas, with all of our families feeling the loss very acutely. The Aunties and Uncles, Granny, Grumps, Nanny and Grandad wondering and wishing what if

I send my love to all the mothers and fathers across the world struggling at this time of year, I think of you all, your angels and pray you find some peace.

Much Love 


  1. I am so sorry for your loss Kate. You are in my prayers.

  2. Thankyou for getting me to your blog. The things you are writing are almost identical to what I wrote in my journals over 21 years ago. I hope its helping to write it down. It did for me, not every day, but keeps Arielles memory going forever xxx