Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Lily Marie Rowland

So I decided to start writing a blog again, I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to get out, im learning that part of my therapy is to learn to talk bout these thoughts and feelings. This blog is for me, its for me to write down about how im feeling, how having my beautiful baby in my stomach for 159 days has changed my life completely! The awful tragedy that me Chris had to endure and the hellish three weeks we endured, how the midwifes were so bloody amazing and how I have had to learn to try and live again when all I wanted to do was lie down and die with my amazing daughter. Im writing this blog for her, our amazing daughter Lily Marie Rowland who was born far too early at 22 weeks, 3 days.

I need to process my thoughts and feelings and speak out about the silence that surrounds pregnancy loss. Its not all negative but obviously there is so much tragedy surrounding Lily's  birth and death that it may seem like that but theres also so much beauty. Lily made me and Chris parents, she is our first born and she was a gorgeous tiny baby girl who we made, any of you parents will understand the wonder of seeing that perfect baby thats a part of you and a part of your partner. The fact that you created this perfect little being.

On 31st March 2013, Easter Sunday we found out the amazing news we were going to be parents, after over a year of trying we had that amazing positive pregnancy test results and its a day I will remember for the rest of my life until the day I die, the joy of knowing we were gonna have our much wanted, already loved baby.

7 pregnancy tests in 2 days and I finally believed we were having a baby. telling my Mum and Dad they were going to be grandparents again was the best moment, my Mum, who usually shows little emotion to me cried. Telling Chris's parents there were going to have another grandchild in person again was such a special moment, a moment of immense joy.

I never found pregnancy easy, from 5 - 14 weeks I suffered horrendous morning sickness, in fact all day sickness, I was tired felt like a pile of poo all the time and it wasn't much fun. Today I would take feeling like that for every single day for the rest of my life if it bought our daughter back, but I can't, no matter what I do I cant bring my baby back and I hate that, it hurts, its like a knife cutting through my chest. Everyone told me that when I got to my second trimester it would get better, I would glow it would be fantastic, it didnt happen, I wonder what my third trimester would have been like, would I have found that part easier? All I know is I wish I hadn't moaned so much, wish I had savoured every single day cause I would give anything to get it back now.

I cant write anymore today, the tears are streaming and I am just finding it too hard. After two good days, im having a bad day, 9.52am and the tears have been going since 7.45am. Thats the horrid thing about grief, the unpredictability of it. I wish people could understand, the pain im going through, I dont want you to suffer it but I want understanding. But then until you have lost a child, you will never understand, I know that before we lost Lily I would never have understood, I would have heard the news and gone 'o thats terrible' and thought about the person for a few minutes, but never really understood, I dont see how you can, until you have had to be in that room, go through labour and delivery knowing your baby possibly wont be born alive, but even if she is wont survive, you will never get it, EVER.

I know two people who have lost babies in the second trimester, (this is when my loss happened) I can remember thinking when I heard, 'Ahh thats sad' and you think no more of it, the reason I think we do this, is because we dont want to think about this, its horrendous to think about, it hurts, I wasnt even a mother when I heard about these, one happened when I was in my late teens and one happened before I knew this person but the thought of it is too horrific to think about. So for all of you, parents or not take 5 minutes to try and think about it. Losing your beautiful baby that was so wanted and how devasting it is.

I am a changed person, I will never be tha same person, I will never be the Kate I was before 15th July, (when my water broke) I cant be, I went through something so huge it has changed me forever, I am a mother but my daughter doesnt live here, I wont get to see my baby again until the day I die and that hurts! 


I will find a way to survive, I will honour my baby every day of my life, I will learn to love life again, I will count my blessings every day, I will look at Chris and thank him silently for making me a mother to an angel, I will think of my daughter and wait for the day I see her again, the day im reunited with my first born daughter, and I wait, not wishing my life away but longing for the day I can see my baby again. 

Lily Marie Rowland
Born 6th August 2013
Weight 350 grams
Height 15 cm


  1. <3 you are right, unless you have experienced this kind of loss there is no way you can possibly understand how it feels but i look at what i have everyday and count my blessings that my children are all healthy and how lucky i am. i think about you guys a lot and wonder how you are. i really hope your journey through grief gets easier for you hunni. sending much love and hugs xxxxx

    1. Thanks, I think if sharing my story makes 1 person look at there own life n is thankful then that makes me smile. I wont say were fine, dont think we will eva b fine again but as a couple we r strong, good days n bad. Baby steps but I wont let it break me 4eva x x x

  2. Thank you so much for writing this... I just lost my beautiful son, Mats, on the 31st of October... it was the second time I pprom'd, first time was with my second daughter at 29 weeks, fortunatly... now it happened at 17w2d, and I was in labour right away... there was no hope at all. I am so broken, and I find a lot about people that have lost sick babies, or have babies that died in utero... but I can't relate. Our boy was perfectly healthy and alive, it's my body that killed him. I hope this gets better someday, right now I just want to crawl in a corner of a room and cry all day... thank you for making me feel not so alone...

    1. Ahhh Rebecca my heart breaks for u, I no how hard it is wen u feel ure body has let u down, I too feel that way so much. I wish I could say it goes away, it doesnt but I truly believe that ure heart gets used to being broke n the pain is a constant so u feel it less.

      Be kind to ureself, lean on friends n family. Use the support groups for love n advice, message me anytime on fb Katie Mahoney or email me

      much love xxxx