It was 3 months since Lily died on the 6th November.
I have had people ask me 'When are you going to be back to normal' I will never be the same Kate ever again, the Kate who existed before 15th July when my waters broke is gone, gone for ever. I can never be the same person again and I don't want too. That Kate didn't know the things this Kate does. There are lots of bad things the new Kate knows, but lots of good. I know what its like to love someone with all your heart and soul, to hold my baby in my arms.
Losing Lily has bought on so much bad stuff, but also so much good stuff.
Through social media I have made so many friends who like me have lost babies, Missy the first person to reach out to me, Lindsay, Rose, Tiffany, Amanda, Crystal, Kyrina, Nicole, Angela (whose gorgeous daughter survived pprom) Sheldon, Jennifer, Barbara, Lucy, Veronica and Brooke. Men and woman who share my pain. I met a wonderful woman called Zara who has given me hope for the future, a beautiful soul who lost her baby but then went on to have her rainbow recently.
I am more compassionate, I feel more, I have been made to think and feel the worst pain but it has made me more compassionate. I have found out who my true friends are, from reconnecting with an old friend in February to her being there for me through all this, to my best friend who phoned me even when she knew I wouldn't answer the phone. I never thought I could love Chris more but somehow I now do, its bought our families closer together, its made me appreciate my family and friends children more. Its bought me closer to Chris's cousin.
Its made me a better person, that's not to say that's its not the hardest thing I have ever been through and that the pain isn't all consuming but today I can be grateful for things as well.
Every day isn't like this, some days even getting out of bed feels like a mountain I don't want to climb, but I do, if the only thing I do everyday is get up, I do that. I have learnt to appreciate things more, I have learnt grief is horrendous, I have never really experienced grief until Lily, its taught me how to empathise with people suffering from grief.
I want to thank everybody for reading my blog, over 550 views!!!! If the only thing that comes out of this is I bring the awful subject of losing your child to one persons mind then I am satisfied. Too often we don't talk about things that people find uncomfortable and hard, like depression, loss, grief and especially child loss. Why would you want to think or talk about it, its a horrid subject to think of, if you have children or not, but I believe that in order to break the stigma around child loss and grief it must be spoke about and addressed. That I am truly passionate about.
What does the future hold?
Honestly I don't know, Lots more awful and horrendous days, but lots of joyous days. Lots of love. Chris is in my future, we are determined to fight to stay together, we were told 75% of couples will split after losing a baby, we wont, we are determined! Lily wot be the end of our story, hopefully the beginning. After 3 months we finally had post mortem results and bloods and lots of other test results, we had been told to expect them to find nothing wrong with Lily and they didn't. There was no reason why my waters broke. That's hard to comprehend sometimes, no reason, no answers. It does mean should we ever think of trying again it shouldn't happen again, shouldn't but then no guarantees, the chance of it happening were only 5%, but we were the 5%. They did dig up some unexpected results for me and now I have to move forward with those results and investigate more.
If we ever decide to have another baby it will never replace Lily, she will always be our first born, our beautiful daughter and having another child will never change that. Who knows what the future holds, I do know that I am sad that I will never have a happy pregnancy, even if I do get pregnant again we have been told it will be emotionally awful. We will worry and fret and even if medically all is ok, emotionally and mentally it will be the hardest thing we ever do. I am sad that I wont ever enjoy pregnancy. So for all you pregnant ladies, I know its hard and knackering, but take joy in the fact.
Today is a good day, that what I'm focusing on, today I can look at photos of my angel and feel love, tears yes, but they will always be there, forever but today I feel love for our beautiful angel in the sky and all she has bought me.
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