As my due date approaches fast I seem to be finding things are getting harder again, not that the grief went away but more like my heart had got used to being broke.
My due date was 7th Dec, to any non grieving mums a due date isn't really important as the chance of your baby being born on that day is slim to none, to a grieving mother the due date can seem like the biggest hurdle, its the symbol of what was meant to be that will never be. For those of you who are my friends on facebook you will have seen I have a new job. It starts Monday and I'm petrified. Over the last 4 months I have been in a 'safe place', basically my house, I managed to isolate myself completely from the world in order to grieve in my own time. Over time, and bearing in mind its now over 4 months since my waters went I have ventured to friends houses and stepped out of my 'safe place' I found out last Friday I had got the job I went for, working for Wessex Water in Yeovil as an admin person. Since then I have hardly slept, am having panic attacks and constantly have a sick feeling in my stomach, add in my due date is 3 weeks away Saturday and let me tell you, life feels very hard right now!
I decided I didn't want to return to my old job, my life is drastically altered and I am no longer the same person I was, I felt that something needs to change. So in order to be fair to my boss and to give me the time I needed to grieve I handed in my notice. Around 3 weeks ago I started to look for work and my interview on Friday was the first interview and I got the job, I actually have a great track record as I have only once been for an interview and not been offered the position.
The thought of working again after 4 months makes me feel sick its long hours, a step down career wise and travel on top. I will be leaving at 6.45am and getting home around 6pm. After being in my 'safe place' for all this time its really scary. I will be asked the dreaded question all angel mummies dread 'Do you have children' Its so hard to answer, if I say no I feel immediately guilty as though I am ashamed of Lily, Which I am most definitely not, but if I say 'Yes I had a daughter she was still born' it creates a very awkward moment. Ahhh the joys the joys.
I have spent this week getting myself ready to go back to work, Mon I went and did all my little odd jobs I have been meaning to do, Tuesday I went to job centre and signed off (Hurrah!) and cooked a load of meals and froze them, yesterday I cleaned my house, today I visited a friend and tomorrow I have counselling. But I feel so sick all the time, my stomach is in knots, I am tired and down, I think about Lily ALL the time, I have no motivation.
I feel guilty for saying it, but I want this year over, I want to have settled in at work, December to be over with as its Lily's due date, Chris's birthday, Christmas etc etc, all times we should have had our beautiful daughter present for and I just want them over. Then I feel guilty as I don't want it to be 2014, 2013 was the year our baby was born in, I don't want to move forward. My head is now big ball of messed up crap at the mo.
I feel like I have lost myself over the last four months, I have no idea who I am anymore, I have lost all my confidence, all my drive, I just dont know who I am anymore, I am a Mum but don't feel it, I have lost all sense of who I was and have no idea how to rebuild myself. I have just been hiding away and now I am having to face the task of trying to find a new way forward in life.
Anyway todays post isn't as positive as usual, but if your a angel mummy with any ideas or support as to what will get me through please let me know. I need some help right now!
Love and hugs xxx