Tuesday, 31 December 2013

2013 I dont want you to end

I am seeing a lot about people saying good riddance to 2013 and hello to 2014, my Mum said 'tomorrow is a new year' People seem to be looking forward to seeing the back of 2013, maybe I am strange, maybe I am stupid but I don't want 2013 to end.

Yes its been a year of unbearable sorrow, sorrow I have never experienced before and hopefully never will again but its also a year of joy, unbelievable joy and happiness, and moments I never want to forget, although I get so worried as some of the memories do fade.

Easter Sunday finding out I was pregnant was and always will be one of the best days of my life, seeing the joy on Chris's face and my own, the excitement of telling both of our parents and family. Spending months planning as too what we would do, imagining how life would be, the indescribable joy of holding our beautiful baby even though my heart was breaking at the same time. The happiness I feel from finding joy again, thats a good feeling.

And the sadness, as mad as it seems I don't want to move on from that, the distress at my waters breaking, the 3 weeks of trauma, the sadness and heartbreaking labour and delivery, the funeral we planned for Lily, the times I have spent at the crem, the midwifes, doctors and nurses I met, cried with, think of and know I will one day see again.

I don't want to leave this year behind, 2013 will ALWAYS be the year Lily was born, and yes the year she died, but the year she was born, I feel that by looking forward to 2014 I am leaving her behind, I look forward to 2014, to achieving some goals but I want to take 2013 with me as well. It may seem mad and I don't expect others to understand but its how I feel.So while you all tonight are celebrating the new year I will be home, thinking of what a year 2013 was, and feeling sadness as I leave behind the year our daughter was born.

Much love xxx


  1. I know exactly how you are feeling. Coming from another mommy who has had a PPROM loss, I promise you that you will keep Lily in your heart for the rest of your days on this earth. She's not only a part of 2013, she's a part of YOU. And a part of Chris. I'm praying 2014 is kind and gentle to you, Chris, and Lily's memory.

    I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart) - EE Cummings

    1. Thank u, im jst scared that she will think as we move into a new yr that I hav forgotten her, or got over her n I no I neva will, its all the firsts that are scary, n then wen they are all done then the seconds n it just means times moved on n I dont want it too. X