So I have thought a lot about what my next blog would be about, its been a few weeks since my last blog and everything has changed since then, I have started work again and have gone through a thousand emotions and feel like a whirlwind has happened.
I had a blog all written to go but have decided to write a different one.
I have started work again, a task that seemed so enormous and frightening I didn't sleep from the moment I got the job to the end of the first week. Going to work that first day was the most enormous thing I think I have ever undertaken. But thankfully I love it, it was definitely the right job at the right time. That's not to say its not horrendous at times but it feels right.
I could write for ages about my new job and how I love it and stuff but instead I want to write about grief, before Lily died I had no experience of grief, true 3 of my grandparents had died but although I was sad I never had the gut wrenching, stomach churning, take over your life grief.
Grief if you have never experienced it is impossible to explain. When Lily first died the grief was overwhelming, it consumed my every waking moment and even my sleep. On Fri it will be 4 months since Lily died and Sat is her due date and I am not sure its any easier now. True there are periods where the grief is like a undercurrent, more like an ache that's always there, that's ok, I have learnt to live with a broken heart, a piece of my soul missing. Its the intensity with which grief hits, I can be at work, or in town, or driving or doing any number of things, and without warning BAM!!!!! Its like being shot, having your heart ripped out, it makes you want to fall to your knees and die. It happens at stupid times, at work, I have had to go to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall and bite my hand to stop from screaming in pain, often I am driving and it hits and I will physically scream in pain, today in town I am in Boots with tears falling.
The other day I was driving to work and BAM, it hits, suddenly I am back in the hospital on the 15th July being told my waters had broke, hearing that strange animal noise and wondering what is was and realising it was coming from me, I was screaming in a animalistic way. In a second I feel all of those feelings again, its like being stabbed in the chest, feeling that pain. Or suddenly in a blink of an eye I'm back to the day I was in labour, feeling all those feelings again, its like I'm floating on the ceiling watching myself give birth to my daughter all over again and its a intense physical pain in my heart as I realise she has gone to heaven.
The intensity of my grief at times can make my physically sick, it can hit in a 1 second window and then go again, its unpredictable, its messy, its hard, and its never gonna go away, and I don't want it too, that pain, that hurt, its all I have of our baby.
I miss our baby, my heart is broke, my life is incomplete, I look at Chris and wonder what are daughter would have been like, would she have been like her Dad, I hope so.
I am proud of myself, somehow, I don't quite know how I am living again, I am working and enjoying it, I am making friends. I am moving not on but forward. Lily will always be a part of me, as will the grief but I am surviving. I don't know how we carry on without her here but somehow we are doing it together.
Someone told me the other day about how this would make me a better person, to start off with I was so mad. A better person, I don't want to be better, I want my baby and would do anything to get her back. I would literally die if we could turn back the clock 5 months ago, if next Saturday on her due date she had come, I would DIE, I would give my life for her to live and Chris to have the joy of her,
But I cant. She is gone, She was born, She did die, I am a Mother to An Angel, Chris is a Father to An Angel, we have to live our life's without her, and that kills me, it hurts so much, unless you have lost a child I don't believe you will understand the pain, but many people have gone through other types of pain and will understand pain.
Now I look at it and think, will it make me a better person, maybe, its made me more compassionate to others, its made me appreciate things and to forget the non important things, it will make me a better parent to any other children we have, its made me a better girlfriend, friend, daughter, daughter in law. So maybe she was right, it was just hard to hear because I don't want to be better, I just want my baby back and I have to live with not being able to have that.
Went to the crem today with my beautiful friend Kate, her hubby and their beautiful 9 week old baby. Lily's plaque is finally up, the joy I feel at this plaque is the joy you feel when your child walks or talks, when they do well at school, when they tell you they love you. All I have is her memory left and anything that honours her makes my heart flow with love.
So I am doing well, I am living, I am grieving, I am loving our daughter, I will always love her and always keep her memory alive.