Friday, 13 February 2015

A fear of death

There are many things that you think and feel after burying a child that no one tells you about. Things that even now 18 months on cause me huge anxiety and grief.

My constant fear of death is one, not my own death, don't think I am frightened of me dying, that I don't really see as an issue. Its the constant worry of my parents, or Chris's parents or Chris or my sister or my nephew or any of my friends dying. It haunts me all the time, it worries and panics me to the point of it keeps me up at night. I never used to feel this, I never use to really think about it, I mean who does, who really thinks in depth about people they love dying, well you just don't as its to painful and upsetting to think about isn't it. But I will tell you right now, I am petrified of my parents dying, something that lets be honest is going to happen at some point (not for years you hear me mum and dad) but I do not know how I am going to cope. 

Some of you will not have felt gut wrenching grief yet, grief that hits you in the stomach and turns your life upside down and ruins everything (for that I am glad) that's the grief of someone you love dying, do I think its worse when it is your child rather than your parent who lets face it we do know will normally die before us? Well I have learnt not to compare grief, its pointless, so no I think anyone you love dying is bloody awful and soul destroying.

I think and worry about death so much, a friend, her Dad is dying and is going to die soon and I sit and cry for her, I am now. I don't want her to know the pain I feel, I don't want her to go through hurt and anguish and be without her gorgeous dad. Another on-line friend whose waters broke very early like me has a daughter, a beautiful daughter, who at 7 months has never yet left the hospital and who this morning she posted is ill and could in all honesty die from an illness as her little lungs are so poorly. I think about her. 

My own nephew went to hospital the other week, I didn't know until the evening, nothing serious and hes fine but I cried all the next day while Chris was at work scared that he was or is going to die and then my sister would have to suffer the grief of losing a child. My own Grandad has been ill, and my Mum phoned the other day and she paused before saying something and I was sure she was going to say he died, but no he just came out of hospital, I spent time that evening crying for him.

I haven't even touched on my fear of Alex dying, no one really understood how in pregnancy I was convinced Alex would die, a lot of people just kept saying he would be fine. They didn't understand that for me, my only experience in pregnancy was that of my baby dying, my body didn't produce healthy babies, to be blunt it produced dead ones. It was a hard hard hard time, one I never want to experience again, but I have my gorgeous little boy and if there is a next time, hopefully the fact I have had a successful pregnancy will make it slightly easier. But my fear of Alex dying is immense, on a day to day basis I have learnt to control it ok, but then it captures me unaware and I freak out, should Alex get ill or anything like that I know that my major anxiety will just return.

I feel so abnormal, I feel like a freak for thinking like this, Chris tells me not to think about it, but I can't stop. I cant make myself not worry about it, ultimately one day I am going to feel that grief again, that feeling like my world is collapsing and I don't know how to deal with it, it almost killed me last time, it almost broke me and I survived, with a hell of a lot of scars and issues but I made it, WE made it, I am still broken but I try to be happy and to live a full life to make Lily proud but the fear of dealing with death again eats away at me.

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