Thursday, 4 December 2014

I will never feel her hand on my chest

So lately I have been told by different people that now Alex is here I shouldn't think of Lily or talk of her or one nice person even used the phrase 'get over it'. Its something that has been playing on my mind and something I wanted to explore, what happens to grief for your child when your rainbow finally gets here.



People who haven't lost a child, well some of them seem to think that now Alex is here that's it, my grief is over, after all I have a living child. Yet in fact in some ways i grieve more and harder, now don't get me wrong I love my son, in a way I never knew was possible, he makes my heart sing, he gives me a reason to go on, he just fills me with love (all you mothers out there will understand what I mean) yet it hurts more now when I think of Lily. I will never get to hold Lily alive, when she was finally born she was dead. I will never get to hear her heartbeat, feel her little hand on my chest, see her gurgle at 3am in the morning, watch her grow and change everyday like i do with Alex. I will never see her smile, walk, talk, eat her first bit of food, have her first Christmas, wipe her tears when she falls over, have her first boyfriend, get her heart broken, get married, have children, leave school, hear her tell me she loves me. Now I knew all this before but now Alex is here and in particular at 3am when his little hand hunts down my top to touch my skin it REALLY hurts. So because he is here am I meant to forget? Am I meant not to talk of her, to remember her? I see my friends girls, born around the same time and I dream of what she would be like, I am in shops looking at dresses and clothes thinking of her, I see baby girls so tiny and small and wish I could have held her living.

Lily will always be part of my life, she is mine and Chris's firstborn, she was still born, I laboured for 13 long hours and gave birth, how can i just forget her?

I think what people really mean when they say those things is it makes them uncomfortable, its 15 months ago she died, surely I should be 'over it' but for those of you who have lost someone, a parent, a loved one you will know you never 'get over it' Yes it makes people uncomfortable, grief does that. In this country we have a funny attitude to death, we don't really discuss it much, we seem to think that grief is something we should deal with alone, in private and not talk about it, so yea I get i make people uncomfortable, I talk openly about Lily, my grief, how I feel, why shouldn't I? Although it may make you feel uncomfortable I can assure you, I feel 100 times worse grieving than you do hearing about it. I try to be positive, I am positive, Lily has changed me for the better, I am defiantly a better person, and a better mother for having her. I don't worry about the things that don't matter, I love a whole lot more and appreciate my wonderful life, my wonderful boyfriend, parents, sister, in laws, family and friends, by telling my story I know it can help others, its empowering and healing for both me and others.



Things are hard at the moment, Lily's due date is just days away, Christmas is around the corner, something I am so excited for yet so hurting about, Alex's first Christmas, an amazing time, yet Lily should be celebrating her 2nd Christmas. So if i make you uncomfy I am sorry, feel free to unfriend me on facebook, I really don't mind, extract yourself from my life, it's ok, I don't expect you to understand, you probably have never lost a child, for those who stay bear with me, I am a mix of emotions, the happiest I have ever been, yet the saddest too.......................




5 comments:

  1. I'm always here if you need me, just shout xx

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  2. This makes perfect sense to me. Grief is endless as is love for a child. I have never lost a child and I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I can only tell you that my prayer is that the pain lessens over time. Bless you.

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  3. I lost my daughter 28 years ago, she was 4 months old when she died, i went on to have 2 other sons, but i still talk about Vicki she is still a part of my family, so please dont listen to people who tell you to get over it, you never will, you will learn to live with it, we are the lucky ones we have our own angels in heaven looking down on us and I know we will all be together again one day, enjoy your son hes precious, thinking of you x

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