Friday, 19 December 2014

This loneliness is temporary (hopefully)

So I was just watching a program on TV with James Martin about loneliness and it hit home quite a bit really and made me realise I am really lonely and lost at the moment.

 The above quote for me is so very true, yea I am lonely but its probably my own doing, does that make it easier, nope still is hard. My plan when I was pregnant with Lily was to do some NCT classes, make some friends and once she was here do what my Mum and sister both did and go to groups and make a bunch of friends. My sister 12 years on still is friends with people she met when Matthew was little, they don't see each other every day or even every month now but I know when Matt was little they were her lifeline. Well then Lily died and I got pregnant with Alex, my idea of hell was NCT classes, I wasn't a first time mother, I had already given birth and nothing they said could change the fact I had gone through the most pain any woman should have to go through in labour, giving birth to a child not knowing if she would be born alive or dead but knowing she wouldn't live. My thoughts and feelings on birth, pregnancy and raising a child I knew would be different, I would have different views (possible strong ones) on topics discussed and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Once I knew I was having i section anyway there was even less point. 

So then that leaves baby groups, the first one I went to was a breastfeeding group, I was petrified walking in, Alex was about 5 weeks old and I wasn't breastfeeding but expressing as much as I could and then topping up with formula, I didn't want to go but made myself. I met a really lovely woman who I chatted to and seemed cool and said would see next week. Next week Alex was ill and then I stopped expressing as it just got too much so that was the end of that group. I went to the local sling meet to borrow a sling as one of the health care assistants at the hospital runs one and again first time I went I was bricking it. She was lovely and made me feel at home. I went to feed Alex and one woman asked me about if I was feeding Alex breast milk, cue me feeling like poo about not being able to breastfeed and when I replied no the other 3 women around seemed to turn their noses up at me. So that made me feel awful. I take Alex to get him weighed at clinic, but people just seem to weigh and go quickly. A couple of weeks ago I went to a group and met a few mums, one I knew from my old job working in a jewellers as was a customer, but then Alex has been ill so I didn't go the next week and now I have lost my confidence again.

 I think what I am trying to say is I had all these ideas when I was pregnant about all these new friends I would make, after living in Taunton 3 1/2 years I have like 2 real friends and that is it and I knew having a baby would be my chance to make a network, yet I am struggling, Partly my own fault I know. What I hadn't taken into consideration in my little fantasy was after having a baby your confidence is low, I don't know what I am doing half the time, I second guess every decision I make and wonder if I am a good mum so trying to think about making friends is really scary. Plus I am trying to work out what kind of Mum I want to be, I have learnt that any ideas or preconceptions I had before Alex was here are basically a load of crap, until your child is here you don't know how you will think and feel, so how can I make friends when I don't know how I want to bring him up, what I am really for and against, you want to make friends with like minded mums but I don't know what I think or feel. Add to that the amount of confidence I have lost over the last 18 months since Lily died, I have been at home alone for most of it, I segregated myself very well and while it worked for me in pregnancy I am regretting it now.

Also even when I meet people and make friends they can't understand me, they don't understand how I am feeling as hopefully they have not had to bury a child so how can they possibly understand how confused I feel ALL the time, I love my son, of that there is no doubt, he is the light of my life. BUT my heart still hurts, before Alex I was just broken, its easy to be broken, my heart was ripped in two and I was so unhappy, but now I have to work out how to be happy and unhappy at the same time, its hard hard work.

I suppose I am scared, scared of putting myself out there and trying to meet people. I know it may  take a few goes before I find someone who I click with and that's the thing, I think I am frightened of putting myself out there, laying my heart on the line and letting people in and yep I am sure every mum feels like that, so maybe I just need to do it, in the new year just put myself out there, meet people, let them in a little bit and see what happens...................................

But its so scary

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Lily Marie Rowland : I will never feel her hand on my chest

Lily Marie Rowland : I will never feel her hand on my chest: So lately I have been told by different people that now Alex is here I shouldn't think of Lily or talk of her or one nice person even ...

I will never feel her hand on my chest

So lately I have been told by different people that now Alex is here I shouldn't think of Lily or talk of her or one nice person even used the phrase 'get over it'. Its something that has been playing on my mind and something I wanted to explore, what happens to grief for your child when your rainbow finally gets here.

People who haven't lost a child, well some of them seem to think that now Alex is here that's it, my grief is over, after all I have a living child. Yet in fact in some ways i grieve more and harder, now don't get me wrong I love my son, in a way I never knew was possible, he makes my heart sing, he gives me a reason to go on, he just fills me with love (all you mothers out there will understand what I mean) yet it hurts more now when I think of Lily. I will never get to hold Lily alive, when she was finally born she was dead. I will never get to hear her heartbeat, feel her little hand on my chest, see her gurgle at 3am in the morning, watch her grow and change everyday like i do with Alex. I will never see her smile, walk, talk, eat her first bit of food, have her first Christmas, wipe her tears when she falls over, have her first boyfriend, get her heart broken, get married, have children, leave school, hear her tell me she loves me. Now I knew all this before but now Alex is here and in particular at 3am when his little hand hunts down my top to touch my skin it REALLY hurts. So because he is here am I meant to forget? Am I meant not to talk of her, to remember her? I see my friends girls, born around the same time and I dream of what she would be like, I am in shops looking at dresses and clothes thinking of her, I see baby girls so tiny and small and wish I could have held her living.

Lily will always be part of my life, she is mine and Chris's firstborn, she was still born, I laboured for 13 long hours and gave birth, how can i just forget her?

I think what people really mean when they say those things is it makes them uncomfortable, its 15 months ago she died, surely I should be 'over it' but for those of you who have lost someone, a parent, a loved one you will know you never 'get over it' Yes it makes people uncomfortable, grief does that. In this country we have a funny attitude to death, we don't really discuss it much, we seem to think that grief is something we should deal with alone, in private and not talk about it, so yea I get i make people uncomfortable, I talk openly about Lily, my grief, how I feel, why shouldn't I? Although it may make you feel uncomfortable I can assure you, I feel 100 times worse grieving than you do hearing about it. I try to be positive, I am positive, Lily has changed me for the better, I am defiantly a better person, and a better mother for having her. I don't worry about the things that don't matter, I love a whole lot more and appreciate my wonderful life, my wonderful boyfriend, parents, sister, in laws, family and friends, by telling my story I know it can help others, its empowering and healing for both me and others.

Things are hard at the moment, Lily's due date is just days away, Christmas is around the corner, something I am so excited for yet so hurting about, Alex's first Christmas, an amazing time, yet Lily should be celebrating her 2nd Christmas. So if i make you uncomfy I am sorry, feel free to unfriend me on facebook, I really don't mind, extract yourself from my life, it's ok, I don't expect you to understand, you probably have never lost a child, for those who stay bear with me, I am a mix of emotions, the happiest I have ever been, yet the saddest too.......................