So its a long time since I have posted, in April I posted a brief comment but not much. As many of you will now know on the 8th September 2014 I finally gave birth to a living child.
Please meet Alex Philip Rowland, born on 8th September 2014 by c section at 36w 5d.
5 months after Lily died I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant again, with Lily it took a long time to get pregnant and we were not even trying as we were waiting to see specialist about my antibodies but our little miracle decided he wanted to come.
I wont lie, it was the most stressful 36 weeks of my life but we got through it with a lot of help and today Alex is 9 weeks old and sleeping soundly on my sofa with a poorly cold.
For a long time my pregnancy I kept to myself, in fact I never posted online I was pregnant, I barely told any friends, in fact I deliberately didn't see people as I did not want to talk about it or tell people. I stopped blogging (which I found so hard as I loved my blog, it was a way to release emotion and heal) Many people do not understand why I did this, but I wanted to control something, so much in my life I had no control over, but this I did, also the worst thing I ever had to do was post on facebook that Lily had died. That moment forever will be etched in my brain. So for some people it was a total shock, for me even a total shock. I never believed I would first off give birth to a live healthy baby and secondly bring him home from hospital, BUT I DID!!!!!!
Being a mum to a rainbow baby (Baby born after a loss) is hard I wont lie, I have so many thought and feelings its so hard. I am the happiest I have ever been, I have a gorgeous wonderful boy who makes my heart sing (although I am completely knackered) yet my heart is broken and grieving for Lily. I find it hard to reconcile the two, how can I be so happy, yet so sad? A question I am not sure I can ever answer, maybe some mums with their rainbows who are further along in the journey can comment?
Any way this picture is from a photoshoot we had with an amazing photographer who totally understood when I explained about Lily.The bunny is Lily's, we named it Bun Bun. I wanted a picture that symbolised both my children.
So I am going to keep writing my blog now, now I can share what randomness goes on in my head and share my beautiful children with you all and hopefully continue to heal which is why I started this in the first place, yet now over 3800 people have read it! But it will be about both my children Lily & Alex, and as I sit here shedding a tear for my beautiful girl, I look at my beautiful boy and know without Lily there would never have been Alex, but I still miss her! But I cant wait to tell Alex all about his big sister.
The little man is stirring now, so I'm off for cuddles and kisses.